He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
