it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
