Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
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