So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize