yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
