we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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