So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize