dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
