Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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