He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
