ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
