My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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