i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
