mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
