Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
