I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
