If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
