I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
