we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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