Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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