don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
