I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
