I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
