pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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