Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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