You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
