Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
