i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
