eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
