I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
