Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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