The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
