I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize