We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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