if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My penis needs a shock collar
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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