FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
