And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
