butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
