I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
