Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
