Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
