I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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