I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
People probably think Iβm a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but itβs really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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