You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need to sanitize my soul.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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