Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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