and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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