i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
