Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
