Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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