i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
either way he was missing a nipple.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
