did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
