I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize