I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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