i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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