So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
