is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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