You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize