Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize