Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
