I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
